What’s the confusion?

Why do I feel so confused when I was so certain?

Am I doing the right thing?

Why do I feel like I’m being punished?

Will this ever cease?

These are just a few of the questions darting around in my head, clouding every thought, darkening every light and quite frankly making me miserable :/

It doesn’t seem to matter the lengths I go to. I fear I will always be seen as that…

‘young mum ..bless her..trying to do something with her life…she won’t last the first year..then we can tell her… I told you so, people like us don’t get to go to university’…

 But wait just a moment what exactly is it that has and will continue to stop ‘people like me’ from getting a degree???

I want to go back to the beginning when I was a bit younger. I enjoyed school, I liked to read, I enjoyed writing, drawing, making, finding out new things…I’m now 31 and I still get a buzz from learning…when I hear a word I have never heard before ….I get punched in the face with GO FIND OUT WHAT THAT MEANS. I enjoy learning!! I enjoy learning lots of different things. So being at school was cool for me. That said things at home were not cool. Long story short I don’t remember a great deal of me growing up at home with my sister and brothers…I  remember leaving my foster home wherever that was that month to go meet my sister and brothers. I fell pregnant at a very young age, my wonderful daughter is now 15..you do the math. I messed up..I messed up big. I left school without any GCSEs. I was gutted. A few years later I became a student at a Adult Education Learning Center as prior to applying to the AEDL I had pushed for an interview at North West Kent College for a place on a Art and Design Diploma to gain enough points to get a place at university. Let’s rewind….I needed to get the grades from ADLC to get a place at NWKC to get a place at university to even get noticed !! So I quickly gain the ADLC grades..WOOOOHOOOOO !!. NWKC accept me…I’m as happy as a pig in shit…2 years studying and my Diploma falls through my letterbox. OH HAPPY DAYS !!…..I jump on UCAS …apply through clearing and a few days later I have my place at university….HALLELUJAH !!!

BUT WAIT…….Are people ‘like me’ even ALLOWED this opportunity ???

I had my three children young, live on a council estate in a ‘run down urban area that no one cares about’ claiming ‘every benefit she possibly can’  with no job. I had a job ..a weekend job, where I would wake up early on a Saturday and Sunday morning travel to my place of work.. work for three to four hours then be back home in time to spend the rest of the day with my children. Once being at uni I soon realised I had too much to do and just not enough time to do it all. I was exhausted all the time and just wanted to sleep. I kept getting poorly …run down I guess. So I wasn’t much use to anyone. I was stressed. So I gave my job up to concentrate on my studies, getting a good degree and succeeding 🙂

Maybe I dream far too much……..told you this was far too good to be true. I start receiving threatening letters from my housing association about my rent, housing benefit and council tax !!!

But wait ….I sent my Council Tax Student Exemption form off months ago…..AND I have taken all documentation I have for the correct calculations to be made then awarded…….MONTHS AGO. I have a pile of receipts for every month I go to the town hall to show them everything they ask of me in their letters…..months I have been doing this….. debt is coming my way and fast……I feel it in my bones.

My student loan will pay my rent arrears…..what will I do ….. How do I get to uni then.. That is a major worry of mine….without this degree I may never get a decent secure job..I’m feeling very confused……and will continue this post a bit later today ……as my state of confusion has left me feeling dazed, dizzy and feeling like I know sweet fa.

wait…..I have just one more…..Am I fighting a losing battle? This isn’t a unique blog post ..is it… so I guess I will continue to be confused.

Who knows what might happen…..


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